News

Florida death-metal group Hate Eternal recently posted a video for "Bringer of Storms" off their latest album, Fury and Flames, which comes out February 19.

Proggy hard rockers the Mars Volta have confirmed the first dates of a headlining tour in support of their recently released The Bedlam in Goliath. This short excursion includes a makeup date in Columbus, Ohio, since the band canceled the last time due to illness. This will also be their first tour with new drummer Thomas Pridgen. In Revolver's March issue, guitarist Omar Rodriguez-Lopez said, "He has the fastest right foot I've ever heard, aside from maybe Zach Hill [Hella, Team Sleep]. People are saying there's no way he doesn't play with a double-bass drum pedal. All I can say is that I can't wait to play live so people can witness what we're witnessing."

Mars Volta tour dates:

04/01 - Orlando, FL - House of Blues
04/04 - Myrtle Beach, SC - House of Blues
04/05 - Atlanta, GA - The Tabernacle
04/17 - Saint Louis, MO - The Pageant
04/18 - Columbus, OH - Newport Music Hall
04/20 - Chicago, IL - Aragon Ballroom
04/21 - St Paul, MN - Roy Wilkins Auditorium

As the Revolver Photo Director, daughter of a gynecologist, and proud owner of a vagina, I feel more than qualified to offer up honest, raw, and unadulterated advice

regarding all things related to sex, the female body, and relationships. So, all you metalhead freaks out there, please email me your most dire, dirty, sick, and twisted questions about women and the way we work, from our emotional hearts to our even more complicated parts to: revolvher@gmail.com

Dear RevolvHer,

What percent of females do you think like it when their man puts their thumb in the "brown eye" while doing it "doggy style"? And how does one go about getting a girl to let you do this?
—Jimbob

Dear Jimbob,

I am not going to be able to give you actual percentages, because I failed my statistics class in regular college and was forced to switch to Art School, hence my current job churning out photos for Revolver. But what I can tell you is that most women, when they feel super turned on, the right metal riff is playing in the background, and you get their juices flowing, will let you do many things to them, including putting your thumb in their "brown eye." While some women might be terrified of this at first, because they think it is going to hurt or that it is unclean, what they might not know is the pleasure that it can bring them when it is done by someone who is gentle, caring, and who is also managing to stimulate the clitoris simultaneously.

Doing all of this in the "doggy style" position is a bit tricky for a guy with two hands who is busy trying to get himself off. Hopefully you are with a girl who knows her body pretty well and can help you out by rubbing her own clit while you are going at it. The finger in the ass during sex can lead a woman to an eye-rolling orgasm, so go for it! Just make sure your nails are trimmed, that you communicate with your partner about what you are doing before you do it to put any of her fears at ease and to make her comfortable, and always wash your finger or whatever apparatus you use before using it in her vagina, in order avoid spreading bacteria. And, most importantly, be sure to respect your girl's right to object to having anything in her ass! Some women are just not into it.

xxx
RevolvHer

Hey RevolvHer

I'm writing because I'm having a problem...well, finding anyone, really. I've had 2 girlfriends my entire life, and one of them was bat-shit crazy while the other one has simply used me and is also crazy. I haven't had a relationship since 2003 when I was 18, and I've only started dating again last year. Even then, I had about 6 dates with 3 different women and can't seem to get to a third! I act like a gentleman, but my friends tell me I could be coming off too strong without realizing it. It's hard for me to meet women in general since I love metal, and even in Philadelphia, getting out of my shell is hard. Do you have any advice on how to do that?

Also, to complicate things even more, I'm a 23-year-old virgin. It's something I decided for myself, but I'm starting to change my mind about it. I keep hearing that women don't think it's cute to be a virgin after you're out of high school, and I'm starting to get worried that this is creating a roadblock. I know better than to be pressured into having sex before I'm ready, but it's just getting frustrating!

Sorry to ask so many questions at once, especially since we've never met, but thanks in advance for the reply and offering to help a guy like me with advice.

Signed,
Single in Philly

Hey Philly,

I hear a lot of sensitivity in your email, and it touches me in my core. I dig dudes like you. I wish I knew of some hot sensitive rocker chicks in Philly besides the Heavy Metal Hooker Roller Derby girls that we photographed who I could set you up with—they were a bit…aggressive.

But I digress. You need to just chill. Basically, you are going to be fine. You need to focus on yourself, start doing some martial arts or something to get some self-confidence and endorphins going. The benefit of that is that it will get your focus off of sex and meeting women and onto yourself. As soon as you are working on yourself women will find you irresistible; we love a man who seems disinterested in us. Sad but true.

As for your virginity, I know plenty of older women who would be totally turned on to have sex with a virgin! Just be patient and make sure to keep yourself open to finding love. Remember that sometimes opposites attract and that just because a girl is not into metal doesn't mean you can't fall for her or vice versa! Try to not be too intense when you meet a girl, and just let things unfold naturally, and don't be too judgmental. If you are still a virgin in six months, let me know and I will call one of the Heavy Metal Hooker Derby girls and see what we can work out…

xxx
RevolvHer

Dear RevolvHer,

My girlfriend literally JUST dumped me. Just now, like 5 minutes ago. Well, supposedly it all started last summer. She says she been having dreams of her ex. She just told me about this. A local kid just died from a methadone overdose, and she's been running into her ex a lot, because of the funeral and get-togethers in memory of the kid. She says she just needs time to think about what she really wants. I don't want to lose her, and I want to give her the time she needs. I'm afraid she'll never come back. What should I do?
—Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

Your girlfriend has just gone through a major loss and is sharing her pain with her ex-boyfriend. The main reason she is sharing her pain with her ex-boyfriend is because they were both close to the kid who died and have a shared memory of him. She is identifying with her ex rather than with you, and it is making her feel closer to him for the time being. This is causing you to feel left out and hurt. This is all totally understandable. The only way to handle a situation like this is to let her go and let her mourn the loss of her friend on the shoulder of her ex regardless of how much you want to make her come back to you. You can't make anyone love you. If she really loves you she will come back around; if she doesn't it was probably meant to be this way and time will help you to move on and find someone else. The old clichés are mostly true when it comes to love, even though it sucks. If she is only identifying with her ex because of their shared loss, then time will tell. Good luck, rocker.

xxx
RevolvHer

Dear RevolvHer,

Howdy. So I've got a question concerning the female anatomy. Why do some chicks' pussies stink even if they have just showered and dried, and why does cunnilingus make my throat dry? Shouldn't they produce natural lubricant during oral stimulation of the clitoris and labia? What can I do to get rid of the pussy stink on my fingers after manual stimulation of the clitoris? Hope to get some answers!
—R

Dear R,

Based on your question, I really wonder if you even know what a vagina smells like. I will answer anyway in the off chance this is serious and that you really do like pussy.

If a vagina smells abnormal or less then fresh—which, of course, all depends on what you think is fresh, then there is one of three problems:
1) You and the woman have no chemistry and you are turned off by her natural pheromones or odor.
2) The woman has a yeast infection.
3) The woman has a bacterial infection.

In the first case, I can't diagnose a lack of chemistry, but I can tell you that it happens. Sometimes people are just chemically mismatched and their personal odor can turn you off, regardless of how clean they are. In the case of the second problem, the woman would have other symptoms that would cause her some distress and would most likely know there is a problem. If she is suffering from a bacterial infection she might not be aware there is a problem. A lot of times the only symptom of a bacterial infection is a foul odor or discharge. Most women are very aware of their own smell and know when it is off. If you feel that it is definitely not right, and you feel that you're comfortable enough with her to talk to her about in a sensitive manner, you can bring it up. But, by the way you proposed your question to me, it really makes me think that you haven't had a lot of cunnilingus and that you wouldn't be the most sensitive guy to raise the issue of health concerns about vaginal odor with a woman. Telling a woman her "pussy stinks" can bruise her for a long time. Maybe you need to try out some other pussy to make sure that the issue isn't actually you before you rate her odor as "stinky." Also, anytime you are exerting your mouth—to talk or sing or so forth—you will get a dry throat, so it makes sense that cunnilingus would also lend itself to that problem. Drink some water before you go downtown. And if your girl isn't getting wet when you are going down on her, you might not be doing such a good job! Oh, and wash your hands, fucker!

xxx
RevolvHer

Virginian thrashers Byzantine recently announced their breakup in a press statement, though they did not reveal the reasons. "We would like to first thank everyone that has supported this band throughout the years," the band said collectively. "You are the people that really made everything worthwhile…Because of you, we were part of something special and without you none of this would have been possible." In Revolver's March issue, on stands now, Byzantine vocalist-guitarist Chris "OJ" Ojeda said he had been feeling that his creative freedom was constrained and that he wanted to go back to being unsigned now that his contract with Prosthetic was up. The rest of the band, he added, had been hostile to this sentiment at first but were starting to come around. "Three out of the four band members are expecting our first children, so that's gonna change their minds a little bit," Ojeda said. "When you've got a shitload of diapers to buy, it's like, OK, I need to start thinking about 40 hours a week here." On January 22, the group released their fourth and now final release, the prophetically titled Oblivion Beckons.

At last night's Grammy Awards ceremony, thrash masters Slayer took home the Best Metal Performance award for "Final Six" from the deluxe edition of Christ Illusion, while hard rockers Foo Fighters nabbed a Best Hard Rock Performance win for "The Pretender" and Best Rock Album for last year's Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace. The Fighters performed that song accompanied by an orchestra whose part was arranged by Led Zeppelin bassist John Paul Jones (video below). Foo Fighters were also nominated for Record of the Year, Album of the Year, and Best Rock Song.

As you might have seen/heard/totally slept through, the Dillinger Escape Plan played Late Night with Conan O'Brien on February 6. The next day, blabbermouth.net posted a video of the performance, which you can see here:

The video elicited a long string of comments, including this one:

posted by : beermenow
2/7/2008 1:21:33 PM
incredible. i love the high five of the random metal guy in the crowd

Well, I have a confession to make: I'm "the random metal guy."

First, you should know that I'm a fucking huge Dillinger fan, and have been so for a long time. I'm not always so into their albums—which can be, at times, a little too arty/poppy/migraine-inducing for my taste—but I've never seen them fail to totally kill it live. The dudes risk life and limb every night and bring a very real danger and unpredictability to whatever venue they're set on destroying; as a result, many, if not most, of the best shows I've ever seen (a list that includes Metallica, Pantera, Neurosis, Rammstein, among others) have been Dillinger shows. I've also interviewed guitarist/founder/main man Ben Weinman and vocalist Greg Puciato approximately a billion times for Revolver mag, and they're really cool guys, which means that as much as I was pulling for them as a fan, now it's personal.

So when I heard that the band was going to be playing the Conan O'Brien show, I had to be there. Perhaps it has something to do with his barbaric name, but Conan has always shown the most support for metal of any network-television personality I can think of; I remember eagerly staying up to watch Slipknot, Lamb of God, and Mastodon appear on his show. I hadn't been able to weasel my way into any of those tapings, but this time I was fucking getting in, even if it meant sticking on a fake moustache, picking up a trombone, and impersonating LaBamba. Fortunately, that wasn't necessary, and with a little help from Editor in Chief Tom, I managed to land myself and my eternal +1, Maya, on the V.I.P. list.

Which wasn't quite as cool as it sounds. When we got to the NBC studios in New York City's Rockefeller Plaza at 3:45 or so (I'd been told to show up no later than 4 p.m.), we were given wristbands and tickets and told to come back at 4:20. When we returned at 4:15, we were directed into the V.I.P. line along a wall, behind a velvet rope, in what must be the hottest, least-ventilated hallway in the entire sky-rise building. Within seconds Maya and I were both sweating like we were back in the Malaysian rainforest. And since we weren't allowed to bring beverages into the taping, we had nothing to replenish our quickly diminishing fluids. Needless to say, we weren't feeling V.I. at all.

Actually, we were nearly at the point of passing out when the older gentleman in a khaki-colored jacket and light-blue button-down shirt behind us asked Maya, "So, who are you guys here for?" "For the, uh, band," she responded. "I thought so," he nodded, as if indicating the rather obvious fact that we were the only people in line wearing metal T-shirts (me, Neurosis; the wife, Metallica), or with tattoos (me), or under 30 years old (the wife). (I just turned 30, like, a week ago, dammit.) "So, you know the band?" Maya queried skeptically. The man just pointed to his scruffed-up baseball cap, which, we hadn't noticed until now, had "The Dillinger Escape Plan" embroidered on it above the bill.

Turned out the dude was Ben Weinman's dad; he was there with Mrs. Weinman and was really friendly and talkative, obviously very proud of his son and the band. We ended up talking to him for the rest of our otherwise uncomfortable wait. He said he wasn't really sure if the guys were excited, nervous, or both—"It's very hard to tell with Ben," he noted—but added that he did know they were very tired from all the touring they've been doing in support of their latest album, Ire Works. He also revealed that they'd be performing the new track "Black Bubblegum"—maybe the poppiest thing DEP has ever written—since, he explained, it was the only song that Conan would let them play. But probably the most scandalous tidbit he disclosed was when I asked him what kind of music he played around the house when Ben was a kid: "I probably shouldn't tell you," he smiled, "but mostly original cast Broadway musicals. When I heard 'Fix Your Face' or whatever the song is called on the new album, I said to Ben, 'That part sounds kind of familiar—did you get it from Hello Dolly?'"

After a good 20 minutes of waiting, talking, and sweating, an usher finally came over to our line, unclipped the velvet rope, and directed us all towards a security checkpoint complete with metal detector and stern guards. As we were separated in the rush of people, Ben's dad said to me and Maya, "So we have to be really loud for them," encouraging us to hoot and holler for his son's band—which was completely unnecessary since we had been planning for days to make an unholy racket in support. After successfully penetrating security, we were shoveled into an elevator that automatically—without pushing a button—took us to the Conan floor; there we were ushered into the actual studio, which was surprisingly small, and into our seats—right next to our old friends the Weinmans.

Now, more waiting. Fortunately, the TV monitors hanging above the audience were playing a reel of Late Night highlights, which were fucking hilarious. Then sketch actor Brian McCann (a.k.a. "FedEx Pope" and "Preparation H Raymond") came out and welcomed us and cracked jokes for a while, followed by Conan himself, who was even taller, paler, and more redheaded than he looks on TV. He was also really cool and totally broke the ice, danced with audience members, gave out hugs, made audience members hug, basically psyched everyone up. Then the Max Weinberg 7 came out and started jamming—cranking out, among other covers, a big-band version of the Ramones' "Sheena Is a Punk Rocker"—psyching everyone up even more. When the taping actually started, spirits were high.

Unfortunately, most of the show itself kind of sucked. The ongoing writer's strike has made it really hard for talk shows to book big-name guests, since screen actors and others have all sided with the picketers; this dilemma was readily apparent as soon as Conan announced the guests for the day's show: Besides Dillinger, the Great Throwdini—"the world's fastest knife-thrower" (though accuracy, not speed, seems to me the most important attribute in that line of work)—and Donny Deutsch, from some CNBC program, whose name I kept "accidentally" mispronouncing as Donny Douche.

As if this weren't bad enough, about 15 minutes into the shooting, there was a thudding sound from stage left and one of Conan's stagehands suddenly stumbled off through the back curtain, holding a rag to his head. Then, on the urging of his producer, a slightly flustered Conan hurried the show to a commercial break, during which another stagehand came out with a mop and began cleaning up something neither Maya or I could identify from the floor, but we're guessing it was blood. And it turned out we were right: A few moments later, once shit had settled down, Conan explained to the confused crowd that the camera crane had just cracked the first stagehand on the head, giving him a nasty cut, and he was off to get stitches. (Needless to say, by the time the show was broadcast, the magic of editing had completely erased the incident from the history books.)

The first thought that popped into my head was "the Dillinger curse." If you don't know, the band has been followed by a cloud of misfortune—in 1999 ex-bassist Adam Doll was paralyzed in a car accident; in 2004 guitarist Brian Benoit suffered nerve damage in his left hand and had to leave the band; Greg has had teeth knocked out onstage and his eyebrow sliced off by a guitar headstock; Ben just recently broke his foot. Then, during the recording of Ire Works, all the fish in the studio fish tank mysteriously started dying off, the studio assistant's car was broken into, producer Steve Evett's best friend died and his back went out, Mastodon's Brent Hinds tracked some guest vocals then the next day fell off a trampoline and sliced open his shins, Greg crashed his car, and Ben got sick and started vomiting uncontrollably the very day he was supposed to start tracking his guitars. If this headsplitting accident was a continuation of "the Dillinger curse," then things did not bode well for the band's performance.

As the moment of truth approached, Maya and I—and the Weinmans, too, I'm guessing—were getting more and more excited and more and more nervous. Every time Conan said "the Dillinger Escape Plan," we shouted and applauded our asses off; the audience members next to us seemed think we were insane ("Dillinger who what, huh?"). When the band members finally took to the stage, strapped on their instruments, eyeing the setting and the crowd with disbelief and anticipation, waiting intently for their cue, it was pretty surreal. It's bizarre to see dudes you've been following for years and seen play the shittiest of shitty clubs, about to rock a venue like this. Then I thought I saw Greg recognize me in the crowd and give a nod and a (mischievous?) grin. I nodded back, thinking, Uh oh.

The actual performance was something of a blur—perhaps because I'd lost most of my oxygen roaring encouragement as Dillinger first kicked into it. The band started out a little tentative, I think, but they sounded solid enough; then, the next thing I knew, Greg was bounding into the crowd, right up to my row, and I was standing up, reaching over the shocked couple sitting to my left, and giving him a high five. It just felt like the right thing to do, or rather, it was just my natural instinct—if you've ever been to a Dillinger show, you know how fucking interactive they are—the only barrier between performer and spectator there is the fear of bodily harm rightly felt by the audience member—and so a little interaction here felt necessary. Following the high five, Ben jumped onto and then off one of Dillinger's huge speaker stacks just as Greg kicked it over, and Greg clambered on top of Conan's desk, belting out "Black Bubblegum"'s catchy-as-hell chorus while Conan rave-danced along with a glow stick in hand. I know correlation is not causation, but I can't help but think that maybe my high five gave the band an extra jolt of energy, propelling them just a little bit to their performance's truly awesome climax. (As for the Dillinger curse, I guess sometimes a camera crane to the head is just a camera crane to the head.)

The next day I got no end of shit, congratulations, and, of course, high fives from my friends and co-workers who'd either seen the whole thing go down on TV the night before or on the web that morning. One of my colleagues made a particularly insightful comment: "You know, I was thinking," he typed to me over IM, "if Greg had left you hanging, you would have looked like the biggest douchebag ever." Good point. But in the moment, that was something I didn't even consider, and in hindsight, it was a risk well worth taking and now well rewarded. I'm "the random metal guy," and it feels fucking awesome.

Sunday 1/27/08

Hails and cheers! Hope everyone out there is doing well! I'm going to start today's blog by doing what I should have done last time: introducing everyone in Skeletonwitch. (Where the fuck are my manners?)

skeletonwitch

From left: Merch dude Cliff, Scott "Scunty D" Hedrick, Derrick "Mullet Chad" Nau, Chance Garnette, Nate "N8 Feet Under" Garnette, and Eric "Harry" Harris

Some of you might be familiar with our ugly mugs and may be wondering who the new guy is. Third guitar player? I love Skynyrd, but sorry, not it. Additional vocalist? Hell no! Keyboard player? Shut the fuck up! Cliff is our good friend turned road dog/merch man. I want to introduce him because he's a killer dude and he's out here busting his ass with nothing to gain but weight, smelly-ass feet, and possibly an STD. He's at damn near every metal show that comes through the Ohio area, so if you see him, tell him "hi" and get him high!

The show in Reno turned out to be pretty damn awesome. The crowd was large and went fucking crazy for every band on the bill, and we met a lot of great people (which I'll get to in a later installment). Can't ask for much more than that!

But Mullet Chad, our drummer, got a little more…drunk. I walked in to a conversation he was having with Nate about disgusting liquors and drinks. It culminated with us ordering him a '99 Bananas' on the rocks. I'd never heard of that sick shit before, but I know it isn't meant for drinking straight. The bartender thought it was such a bad idea that she didn't charge me for the drink.

mullet 1

mullet 2

Oddly enough, he made me get him a second, even though he made this face every time he took a drink! A huge thanks to everyone in Reno for coming out to the show and making our first experience there a memorable one!

Scunty D

Brooklyn-based goth-metal band Type O Negative have donated the cross used in the making of their 1993 "Christian Woman" video (watch it below) to Duff's Brooklyn, a heavy-metal bar in their home borough. The band delivered the cross in drummer Johnny Kelly's truck and managed to get it onto the bar's porch. The bar hasn't revealed yet what its plans for the cross are.

Chuck Billy, frontman for thrashers Testament, will participate in a concert kicking off the Longest Walk, a protest led by the American Indian Movement to awaken people to environmental issues. Billy, who is a member of the Pomo tribe, will front a band consisting of his brother, Andy of Dublin Death Patrol, on guitar; singer Star Nayea; guitarist Glen Alvelais (Forbidden, ex-Testament); bassist Greg Christian (Testament); and drummer Jon Allen (Sadus, ex-Testament). They will perform the Testament songs "The Legacy" and "Trail of Tears." The concert takes place at 6 on February 9 at the Eastside Art Alliance in Oakland, California.

English extreme-metal band Cradle Of Filth are offering up a "Candy Coffin" on their online store. In a deliciously diabolical twist on the Valentine's Day tradition of giving candy hearts to your loved ones, each coffin contains 10 suckers containing phrases like "Bitter Suite," "Venus in Fear," "Lovesick for Mina," "Poison Hearted," and "Filthy Little Secret." In other filthy news, frontcorpse Dani Filth contributed vocals to the soundtrack of a forthcoming Dario Argento horror movie, titled Mother of Tears: The Third Mother.

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